Woman, reading the paper

Woman was a major character in Van Helsinki. She is a woman who lived with Man in the village and was mind-controlled by Geoff Vampire.

Before GeoffEdit

Woman's life prior to the events of Van Helsinki are mostly unknown, though she seems to have known Man (or perhaps lived with him) for twenty years. Woman refers to 'that time in Aspen' when 'the skis...were literally on fire'. Given that Aspen is in America, it is implied that both Man and Woman travelled to America, or lived there. Her and Man's relationship is never explained, but she is 'not his wife', and he 'never loved' her.


Woman grabs Geoff, just before he bites her

The Novelty themed stripperEdit

By the time of Geoff's arrival in the village, Man and Woman had settled down in a house together. It appears their only major visitors were a plumber, an electrician and 'the novelty themed stripper'. The house was, perhaps predictably, nt espeically open to unexpected visitors, as Jim and Svetlana discovered when they turned up for shelter. Eventually, Man and Woman let the two in, no doubt in part due to their attractions to Jim and Svetlana respectively. Geoff Vampire entered the house, and while at first Man believed he was the novelty themed stripper, Geoff's lack of professionalism gave him away. Man called out Geoff, and Woman grabbed him, only for Geoff to revealed that he was a vampire and kill Woman. Despite Woman's protests of being 'not dead', she was ignored and Man and Jim fought and lost the battle against Geoff.

Second 'death'Edit

Man was ordered to bury Woman in return for a pencil (which he apparently had a soft spot for). He, despite Woman's protests, dragged her through the house and shot her with his M9, before covering her in a sheet on the table. She stayed there until Fay entered the room during the raid.

Fay and the third 'death'Edit

Woman was alerted to Fay's presence, and climbed out from under the sheet. Repeated 'death' appeared to have made her angry, as she attempted to kill Fay, only for Fay to shoot her several times. Woman eventually recovered and was in the lair when Geoff explained his master plan.

Freedom from mind-controlEdit

When Svetlana arrived, Woman was willing to leave until Geoff stopped her. She attempted to shoot Svetlana, only to be impaled on Svetlana's katana and wakizashi. Woman was then was freed from Geoff's mind control by Svetlana destroying the console. She fled the scene with no explanation, and her fate afterwards is unknown.


While Woman never actually gets into proper combat, some of her actions make her look one of the most practical of the people involved. She tries to rush Fay, which, from the fact Fay has a gun, was probably the smartest thing to do (unfortunately for Woman, it doesn't work) to cut down the time Fay had to fire. She is also the only person intelligent enough to go for a gun against Svetlana, when it is clear that close combat will not work on her.


Behind the scenes and triviaEdit

  • Woman was played by Chloe Turner in the film.
  • The original script has a more decisive ending for Woman, where she complains about the state of her house, only for everybody to leave her to tidy it herself.
  • It is never explained what the relationship between Man and Woman really is.
  • Woman is never given a name, though it is possible that she is called 'Lizzie', as this is the name on a door when Van Helsinki confronts Creepy Man upstairs in the house.
  • Woman is mildly implied to be bisexual, as she shows interest in both Svetlana and Geoff during the film.